The following is purely satirical and completely fictional.
Deep in the bowels of East Pyne, students toss books down the third-floor hallway and measure how far they fly. A young man records his tastes in a thick leather diary as he licks page by page of James Joyce’s The Dubliners. A group of students video his camera at a fox approaching a row of books, predicting which masterpiece of German Weimar Classicism the fox will like.
In the Department of Comparative Literature, students work hard to compare large amounts of literature. The mission of his 1920-founded Comparative Literature Department, with a donation from eccentric billionaire John D. Rockefeller his junior, is “size, weight, taste, combustibility, and any other observable imaginable It is the comparison of literary works on the basis of their characteristics.”
Few students choose to major in prestigious subjects, but many tell The Daily PrintsAnything that they are in awe of the rigor of study in the department.
For his next paper, Hal Incandenza ’24 manually counted 577,608 words from David Foster Wallace’s 1996 novel “Infinite Jest” and Kylie and Kendall Jenner’s 2014 science fiction novel “Rebels: City of 683.86% higher than Indra.
Livia Cosmo ’23 is currently writing her graduation thesis comparing which books melt first when fully submerged in Mountain Dew Code Red at room temperature. His 1455 Gutenberg Bible in the Scheide Library.
Often confused with each other, the Comparative Literature Department has long been at odds with the English Department. One source scoffed that the English department “couldn’t find prose in Francis Ponzi’s poems.”
Sam McComb contributes as a humor writer. His mugshot is posted next to the cash register in every Pottery Barn in his Tri-State area.
